I have been missing home lately

After being out of town for so long, I realize some things just aren't the same.  I never knew I took so many things for granted until they were subtly taken from me!

Some of you are thinking-- "You live in Singapore!  An advanced country with all the bells and whistles of the modern world!"

Well, for all their advances with air conditioning, water purification (they have figured out a way to recycle your toilet water.  I'm not joking), and architecture...  they still lack the simple bathroom toilet seat coversheet.  You know, that sheet of folded paper that you put on top of the toilet before you take a dump in a public restroom.  It may not seem like much.  But when you are out in public and you have the runs.  There is nothing worse than running into a bathroom stall and thinking "Damn it!  The toilet seat is so nasty!  I have no choice but to do horse stance while I shit all over the place.  Please God, don't let the water splash up and touch my ass"

Then, after you escapade with the dirty toilet, you go and wash your hands at the faucet.  And as you finish, you decide to splash your face with some water cause it's f***ing hot and humid in Singapore.  Oh wait, I forgot to tell you--  there is no PAPER TOWELS to dry your hands with.  Now you can dry your hands and face with your T-shirt, because it's better than using the ghetto electronic blow dryer installed in the wall.  I forgot to mention some public restrooms do not provide toilet paper either, so don't to get smart and think you can a roll to dry your hands.  (In case you're wondering, it's quite common in Asia to carry your own toilet paper around).

Just when you think it can't get any worse!  You find that even at the restaurants, they are stingy about their paper towels and napkins!  Most restaurants leave a single pack of moist towelette on the table with your utensils.  Which if you happen to open, will run you 20cents on your bill.  You actually have to physically return the pack to the server, or they will assume you used it and charge you anyways.  Now some of the better establishments will generously provide ONE single dry napkin.  And if you happen to ask for more, they server will return promptly with ONE additional sheet.  Why can't you just give me a stack??  Or leave a fricken napkin dispenser on the table?!

This amazing frugality extends to other aspects of dining as well.  I have never in America, gone to a fast food restaurant and only gotten like 1 or 2 packs of ketchup after ordering 3 burgers, 4 fries, and some coke.  And when I ask for more here in Asia, they give me a weird look like "are you serious?".  Then they proceed to give me one single additional pack as if to say "you greedy bastard, I'll spare you just ONE."  Wtf?! Whatever happened to the nice teen clerk who just reaches into the back and then gives you a damn handful just cuz he doesn't give a shit? 

All this finally accumulated into a ball of frustration when I said screw ketchup and asked for special dipping sauce (like the ones they use for McNuggets) and they clerk told me it would cost me additional 50 cents.  Upset as I was, I paid the fee and asked for Ranch sauce.  Then the straw that broke the camel's back causing me to write this blog as we speak-- IN ASIA, THERE IS NO RANCH SAUCE!!!

How can a country even call itself 1st world if it doesn't have the creamy delicious Salsa de Ranchero?!  Why can't I get my fix of the small tantalizing packet of future clogged arteries goodness?!?  A place with no Ranch Sauce... is just a sad place indeed.  I miss you America!!  God bless you and the brave soldiers who fought to bring us RANCH!

As I read the daily news, it occurs to me that the world is now facing two countries attempting to build nuclear bombs-- North Korea and Iran.

Then it also occurs to me why the world (or more specifically the US) tolerates this behavior.  I understand that Americans are now sanctioning Iran (as they've done in the past to very little effect) and hoping to send a message that "if you do not stop your attempt at refining Uranium, we hope to hurt you financially!!".  That's almost as pathetic as telling an angry destructive adolescent to stop acting out or you will take away their tv time. 

First off, the rebellious counterpart will definitely ignore your threat.  Because, let's be honest, the threat is so damn benign that no one in their right mind would ever take it seriously.  Second, and most importantly, is the availability of loopholes for you to get around the threat.  (Obviously with the help of other not so democratic countries *cough* Russia *cough* China)

Then there is North Korea who the world has so spoiled, that our only means of negotiation is to ask them to stop pouting or we'll put you on timeout (the unknown hiatus otherwise known as 6-party talks).  To which they respond "No!!  I don't want to!!  Now give me more toys!".  And the world sits bewildered, not knowing how to deal with this bastard child other than ask it's friendly big brother China to comfort them.

Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned ASS WHOOPINGS?!

Why doesn't the US or other U.N. nations just fricken blow some shit up and then put the smack down?  What, you don't like it?  Then talk to my foot that's about to go up your ass.

I don't see why the world's most powerful country, who also has the support of most of the civilized countries, go and forcefully shut down their nuclear ambitions.  It is actually in the interest of the world to stop Iran and N. Korea for advancing their military capabilities. 

I realized today that I absolutely hate automatic water faucets...you know, the annoying crappy ones with the IR sensors!

I wonder why they ever invented these things?!  They serve no useful purpose at all.  Half the time they don't turn on and people are waving their arms around like idiots hoping for a trickle of hope.  Then the faucet teases you with a gentle jet of water only to later spite you by stopping half through your wash.

So now I'm stuck waving my arms around AGAIN like an idiot... only this time with a bunch of  half rinsed soap bubbles on them.  All the while people are starting to form a line behind you and thinking, "what the hell is this guy doing?!  can't he even wash his hands?!"

hence, I beg the question-- How is this invention better than it's predecessor?  There was never any problems or complaints when we had REGULAR faucets that we turned or pushed. Why go fixing something that aint broke!?  WHY?!?!?